Cried during sex today. I was tied up, just my hands behind my back. I’ve always loved being tied up and ironically it makes me feel safe. The knot started to come undone and he asked, “Are you okay?” I really thought the answer was yes — I felt safe, cared for, wanted, good — I felt okay but I guess I wasn’t. After he asked, I broke the knot and started to breathe heavy. “Is this a panic attack?” He said. Well, it wasn’t until you said something lol.

I went to the bathroom, kept the lights off and got into child’s pose on the floor. I do yoga often and always finish with this pose because I know it makes me feel safe and grounded. For some reason it didn’t have any effect on me, I was still having a hard time calming down and fighting back tears. I know cold water helps so I went to the kitchen, put my head under the sink, and sobbed. This was my first full panic attack in about a month.

The last one happened at work and was brought on by negative self talk. I was able to calm myself down before getting to the deep heavy sobbing but I did still cry. I know exactly what caused that one and the only think to prevent it next time is to pause and write. Of course I could be nicer to myself but I don’t know how to do that yet.

Sex with someone I want to see again and someone who cares about me is scary because what if I’m doing it wrong? Am I loud enough? Showing too little expression? Going too slow? Too fast? Have I been on bottom too long, does he think I’m lazy? I know these are ridiculous questions to ask but they are so on par with how I treat myself. Sometimes I can suppress these questions by telling myself I’m good enough, but sometimes they’re really loud and scary. I wish I was normal and could enjoy sex again.