I am officially declaring you one of my friends. Yes you, the reader of these words. I shall call you Honey. Now, let me introduce myself. I’m 20 years old and I’m completely & utterly lost. Geographically, I’m in Illinois. Spiritually, God and I are pretty right. Socially, I’ve got a couple friends (kind of). So what do I mean by lost? Great question. I’m completely & utterly lost within myself.
You know that stage of adolescents when acting out against your parents is pretty normal? Sure, people blame it on puberty and hormones but I really think it’s your mind fighting itself. It’s fighting who your parents have made you to be and who you want to be. Unfortunately, I had an extra fight, I was fighting the color of my skin.
See, Honey, I left out a key fact about myself earlier. Normally I don’t need to announce it because it’s quite obvious, but I am a black woman. When I said I live in Illinois, I meant I grew up in a large Chicago suburb: Naperville. I’ll save you the trouble of Googling it. Picture a fairly wealthy white person, and now picture a lot of them… now sprinkle in a hint of Asian and a tiny pinch of black. Ok now you’re kind of getting the picture but keep adding white until you’re done reading.
There is a current trend in TV shows and movies referred to as the Black Best Friend. Think: Ivy from Good Luck Charlie, Dionne from Clueless, Fez from That ’70 Show, Chad in High School Musical. Let me continue with some Netflix Originals:
— “Tall Girl”
— “Chilling Adventures of Sabrina”
— “Trinkets”
— “The Perfect Date”
— “When We First Met”
Just like the best friend of color in these films and shows, I didn’t have any depth to me in high school. I’m embarrassed to admit that I was ashamed that I was black. I didn’t want to give anyone more of a reason to dislike me, so I tried my absolute best to turn myself into a shell of a person. I thought if I hid myself well enough, I could be kind of popular and black at the same time. Horribly enough, it worked. If you’re into astrology, it might make sense that I’m a Gemini. If you’re not into astrology, don’t worry, neither am I.
I think this is why I’m so lost today. I didn’t have time to create myself because my community didn’t actually want to know me. Honey, I’ve started this blog to show you and the rest of the world that I’m more than a token. I’m more than the black best friend. It took my a long time to gain confidence to say it, but I am so much more than the color of my skin.
I’m a college drop out (twice), an almost tattoo artist, an aspiring blogger. I’m someone with a lot of passions but also a lot of fears. I’m horribly independent and I’m kind of narcissistic. I’ve got daddy issues til the end of time. My best friend is God but don’t you dare call me a “Christian.” I can’t afford to fill up my gas tank and I always find a way to tip at least 40%. I am so much more than a token. Who exactly am I? I don’t know yet but, Honey, I hope you’re sticking around as I find out!
-K
